Wanted: The Perfect Pastor

Let’s look at what it takes to be a perfect pastor or minister.

  1. He pleases everyone.
  2. Preaches exactly twenty minutes and follows it with an invitation in which everyone is convicted but no one is offended.
  3. Works from 7 AM to midnight in every aspect of work from counseling to janitorial work.
  4. 27 years old with 30 years of experience.
  5. Tall and short.
  6. Thin and heavy set.
  7. Handsome but not overpowering.
  8. One brown eye and one blue.
  9. Hair parted in the middle and straight on one side and wavy on the other, with a balding spot on top revealing his maturity.
  10. Has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all his time with senior citizens.
  11. He smiles constantly with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously at his work.
  12. Invests 25 hours a week in sermon preparation, 20 hours in pastoral counseling, 10 hours in meetings, 5 hours in emergencies, 20 hours in visitation and evangelism, 6 hours in funerals and weddings, 30 hours in prayer, 12 hours in correspondence, and 10 hours in creative thinking.
  13. Is always available in his office.
  14. He always has time for all committees and activities of the church. He never misses the meeting of any church organization and is always busy evangelizing the un-churched.
  15. Has perfect kids.
  16. Spouse plays the keyboard.
  17. The perfect pastor is always the next town over.
  18. He is talented, gifted, scholarly, practical, popular, compassionate, understanding, patient, level-headed, dependable, loving, caring, neat, organized, cheerful, and above all, humble.
  19. Many versions of this are found on the Internet and several have this added “If your pastors does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of your list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1,643 pastors. One of them should be perfect. Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its’ old pastor back in less than three months.”
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The Message is for You, Dummy!

A pastor was troubled by one of the Deacons in his church. This man was lazy and refused to live correctly. The pastor, hoping that the Word of God would bring about a change in the deacon, preached a sermon designed with him in mind. As the deacon left the church, he commented to the pastor, “Pastor, you really told them today!

One Sunday only a few members showed up at church. As usual, the deacon was present. The pastor thought, “I’ve really got him today!” and proceeded to preach a message with the deacon in mind. As the deacon left, he said, “Oh, pastor, you really told them today!” The pastor couldn’t believe it.

Finally it happened. It rained so hard that no one showed up for church, except the deacon. The pastor was so excited. Today the deacon would know that the message was for him and he would hopefully respond accordingly. The pastor began preaching with great enthusiasm. He preached against all of the shortcomings of the deacon. As the deacon left the church that day, he said to the pastor, “Oh, pastor! If they had been here, you would have really told them today.” Many times people allow the preaching to go over their heads and hit their neighbor instead. Our response is, “This is for someone else. It is not for me!”

Here’s a revelation: the message is for you, Dummy!

photo credit: Guesus via photo pin cc

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It’s Time for a Pulpit Reformation

Adrian Rogers said (as quoted in Famine in the Land by Steven Lawson), “It is better to be divided by truth than to be united in error. It is better to speak the truth that hurts and then heals, than falsehood that comforts and then kills. It is not love and it is not friendship if we fail to declare the whole counsel of God. It is better to be hated for telling truth than to be loved for telling a lie…It’s better to stand alone with the truth than to be wrong with a multitude.”

He went on to say, “If a reformation is to come to the church, it must be preceded by a reformation of the pulpit. As the pulpit goes, so goes the church…Too many preachers today bear more resemblance to entertainers than expositors, stand-up comics rather than knee-shaking servants. God-fearing, awe-struck men in pulpits remain the need of the hour.”

C. H. Spurgeon said, “And, oh, beloved, there is one thing that I dread above all others—lest I should ever handle the Word of God so as to persuade some of you that you are saved when you are not.”

“Truth is fallen in the street” (Isaiah 59:14). It’s time for a pulpit reformation!

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photo credit: henrikj via photo pin cc